i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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