I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
