im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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