Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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