He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
