her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
