After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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