just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
