I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
