is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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