While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize