dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
