forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
