umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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