He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Two words: nipple clamps
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