its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
