Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
