I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
