i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
