I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
