not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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