btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I won the penis lottery.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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