Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
