Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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