then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Randomize
