omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
