His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
