At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
