tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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