you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
