Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
