I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize