i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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