Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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