on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
