T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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