my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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