the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
