I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
