i wish my penis had a tongue
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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