I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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