I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
