i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A bitchslap is in order.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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