I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
