I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
