he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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