apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
