Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
