if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Can I color on your dick again?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
