Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize