Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
