I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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