Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
