Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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