New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
