Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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