If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
