My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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