i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
