she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize