Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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